Fears

When you are a mother your fears are for your child. You hope they are well and grow to become an outstanding person. You worry about the smallest things. Like when you have to stop fast and you put your hand out in from of them in the car, like it makes a difference. From infant to adult the worry never ends. We are afraid of what they might think of us, if we are raising them the right way, if we have them enough common sense to do the right things, the list goes on.

When do we stop to realize our own worries, the ones for ourselves?

I have repeatedly asked myself what am I'm most fearful about, besides my child's health and well being. The answer is of being alone.

I have had my fair share of relationships and they do not always work out. I put my heart and soul to find what the balance is. When do I have feelings, when do I turn them off? When should I trust? What should or shouldn't I believe. I have spent several hours wondering why is this person with me if they never give me their time. Do I give up way too much? I never get anything in return; no honestY, loyalty, or trust. What am I doing that is so wrong not to deserve any of this? Why am I even expecting any of this. In my heart I want to believe that there is an actual person who will help me realize that I'm worth all the effort.

I just feel like its taking too long, and that time may never come.

Summer!

So school is ending for the semester (me)/year (Julian). I'm excited yet hesitant. I love what summer brings- hot, sunny days and long carefree evenings; but I'm not living in this fantasy world. My summer will consist of watching kids that aren't mine and a plethora of stressful situations all mothers encounter. But my hopes are high, after a complete fail of previous plans. I wanted to do some summer school so I can hurry and move on and hopefully graduate at a decent date. Due to child care, that isn't possible. So plans have done a 180 and I will focus more on having fun with Julian and staying out of the house as much as possible!

Already, I have a trip planned to Indiana to visit family for a birthday party. I love being able to visit family that we don't necessarily get to see and hang out with. I want Julian's life to be filled with family as my childhood was. I think it brings out the best in people. Even though we all might not get along all the time, at least we know that we care for each other.

I want us to also visit my Great Grandma in Arkansas so she can meet her great, great grandson. I think this will be a great experience. I just hope my budget will give me some leniency.

This summer will be filled with beach, water park, park, zoo, and other places visits. I'm excited to fill this summer with happiness rather than frustration and boredom!