Loser

Yesterday was my first day of the new school semester and I couldn't wait to get started. I've been waiting all summer to start school so I can get a step closer to graduating and start working to get myself out of this house. All my happiness washed down the drain later on when I found out that my parent's were mad a me for getting a red light ticket. On top of that I got into a little accident the other week and according to them I haven't been contributing the way that they want me to. I feel like a plain loser all the time.

I can never make them happy. I have tried my hardest not to get into trouble. I barely ever get to spend time or let alone see my friends because I feel that they look down on me. I'm trapped in the life where everything I do is just screwed up and never gets any better. When I feel I am doing better and getting somewhere something knocks me down and I just cant keep bouncing back like nothing ever happened. Its hard to be this person no one wants in their life.

I've made plenty of mistakes when I was younger and I guess that is what led me to where I am now but should that really determine my future? Ive always worked hard at things I want. Look at my child. I wanted him and I'm doing my damn best to get him where he needs to be. Yes, he is 3years old and doesn't walk, talk or feed himself but I'm only one person! I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and no one is willing to let up.

I'm sorry for this rant but I'm in a weird, not-myself mood today and I just feel like escaping. I wish there was someone out there that would read what I have to say and reach out...

This isnt working...

So, I havent been very good at keeping up. Mostly because I've been working backwards. Im just going to write about what has been going on now. I can go back to the past whenever neccessary.

I have had this very anxious feeling in me the last few weeks and Im glad school is starting soon. I felt like I needed an outlet or hobby of some sort to help me focus on important things. Financial troubles are extremely high right now. I feel every time I get close to paying off one something happens and there is more money being spent then coming in! I've been trying to be good and not buy things I dont need but its hard. I want to buy myself new clothes and go out but I cant afford it, but with the monkey boy I can always buy somthing for him. Is this normal? I feel im digging myself into a debt hole and cant get out. I really need to find a job of some sort or get some kind of help.

Little monkey boy is doing great. He did 6 weeks of a preschool type class at Kids Connections. He did awsome! I cant believe how well he adjusted, he had a 1-3 minute transition on off days and others he didnt cry at all. He followed their schedule very well doing art and listening to the teacher read, circle time and singing songs. Im so proud of him. The only thing that he had a little reservation with was snack time, no big surprise with his track record, he isnt a very snacky guy. He did drink the apple juice though. He is 3 years and 1 month old, still having trouble in the walking department. His legs are strong enough, his will..... not so much. I cant wait for that light to come on and he gets going.

The Start

Early Intervention is a great program. You have to sign many documents and have a bunch of therapists come and test your child's development and skills. Yes, it is very nerve racking because you are meeting all new people and letting them come into your home and poke, prod and test your child's abilities. Dont get me wrong I did have some reservations but it was all for the best of my child.

In the begining he got Developmental therapy, Physical therapy and Occupational therapy.